The PIE Chronicles
by Eternal Smasher
Summary: Melee. Another demand by Master Hand leads the Smashers on a perilous and probably pointless adventure for PIE, a super pie that Master Hand has no time to look for himself. What will become of them?
1. The Demand

_Well, here it is. My ninth Smash fic. I haven't put much thought into it, but it should be a good one. Should be. I'm pretty confident in this one. Enjoy…_

All of the Smashers had gathered in the living room. They sat on whatever seemed suitable; the sofa, the recliner, the floor, the bookshelf, the lamp (which Pichu fell off of and broke). The reason was that Master Hand had called a meeting. Otherwise, they all would've continued their game of Extreme Tic-Tac-Toe. There were only two differences between that and regular Tic-Tac-Toe.

There were 100 squares and 25 marks.

You had to attack people while you were playing. Half of the contestants usually passed out before the game ended. That's the extreme part!

Back to the living room. Eventually, Master Hand made it, with Crazy Hand floating behind, laughing his ass off. The Smashers just looked on. Yoshi tossed an egg at him.

No effect.

Master Hand slapped him.

It worked a little.

"I guess that'll have to do," Master Hand decided.

"Boo!" shouted Bowser.

Master Hand tapped the mic on the podium and knocked it over. He tried to pick it up, but he crushed it by accident.

"Dammit…" he whispered.

"Get off the stage!" yelled Bowser.

"Okay, fine. I'll just talk. Listen everyone!"

"Yes?" everyone asked in unison, though different sounds were emitted at the same time (Kirby had a squeal, Pikachu had a "Pi?", Bowser had a "What is it now?", Young Link had a "This sucks", and Mewtwo had silence, to name a few).

"I'm hungry."

The room grew silent. Crazy Hand even stopped laughing and just left. Through the ceiling.

"You cannot be serious," Fox said, emphasizing "not".

"Serious as suicide."

"You called us all here because you're too lazy to get something to eat?" asked Ganondorf, a bit impatient.

"No. I called you all here because I'm too _busy_ to get something to eat. But that's not the point." Master Hand started to continue.

"It looks like that's exactly the point," observed Ness.

"Let me finish…" grumbled Master Hand. "What I want to eat today is no ordinary food. And when you see it, I'm sure you'll agree. I want pie."

Even though everyone agreed that pie was no ordinary food, they were still confused as to why it was so hard for him to retrieve.

"The pie I want is no ordinary pie either. It's PIE- Pastry Inexplicably Enhanced. It has twice the filling, thrice the size, and fource the sweetness of normal pie."

The Smashers began murmuring. Most of it was about the "fource" comment, however.

"There's only one problem. I have no idea where this PIE is. So I'm sending each of you, in teams of-"

At that exact moment, Mewtwo teleported somewhere.

"…Okay, in teams of three, to retrieve it. Whichever team makes it back first wins a very special prize." Master Hand chuckled a little.

"This isn't gonna be some bogus prize like No Kitchen Duty For A Week, is it?" asked Young Link.

"Or $100?" added C. Falcon.

"Or a Get Out Of Jail Free Card?" added Yoshi. He was a board game junkie of sorts.

"Trust me. Any of you would love it," insured Master Hand. "You guys are forming your own teams. You have 3 days. Good luck…fools!" He began laughing maniacally and flew through the hole that his alter ego had created, making it bigger.

The Smashers were speechless.

"…I'm in," DK said out of nowhere.

"Sounds like fun," said Peach.

Mr. Game & Watch beeped and buzzed several times in agreement.

"Okay, who's in?" asked Mario.

Everyone in the room raised their hand/paw/wing/mallet. It was settled. The Smashers were going on an adventure.

"What about the teams?" asked Nana, who had a point.

Jigglypuff found a piece of paper, picked it up, stared at it, and remembering that she couldn't read, handed it to Zelda.

"Thank you. Well guys, It seems Master Hand pre-made teams. Let me read them to you."

As she read, only a select few really listened.

Team 1: Mario, Luigi, Dr. Mario - The Italians

Team 2: Yoshi, Kirby, Pikachu - The Cute Ones

Team 3: Peach, Zelda, Samus - Girl Power

Team 4: Ness, Young Link, Pichu - The Brat Pack

Team 5: Fox, Falco, C. Falcon - The Spacemen

Team 6: Link, Marth, Roy - The Three Brave Swordsmen

Team 7: Bowser, Ganondorf, Donkey Kong - The Power Trip

Team 8: Popo, Nana, Mr. Game & Watch - Old School

It took the teams 15 minutes to pack everything they felt necessary.

"Is everybody ready to go?" shouted Young Link.

Everyone cheered.

"That's _my_ job!" Mario told Young Link.

"Whatever…"

"Let's go!" yelled Mario. The Smashers bolted through the front door, and everyone was excited. There was just one little problem.

"Guys, wait! Master Hand didn't write my name! I need a team!"

Jigglypuff ran frantically to catch up with the group. But she tripped once and gave up.

_The next chapter is the actual adventure. And it'll be much funnier…I hope…_


	2. The Journey Begins

_Here it is. The adventure begins. Right after the review responses._

Lacto3.1415- _Well you can't have it._

Joeb- _I'll remember that…thanks, I guess._

Loke Groundrunner- _Sure. But not because you asked. Because you and a few others asked too._

Psie- _Can't help you, man…_

Master Disaster- _Thanks for the compliment. And yes, there are people who don't like me. I just haven't met them yet. Okay seriously, some people didn't like The Recorder because of Chapter 4, but whatever._

PirateGoddess27- _Yes. Who doesn't love pie?_

Teh Critter- _…Yep._

evanesced-twilight04- _Keep it up I shall._

Xiao-Darkcloud- _Hmm…_

_Read on…_

"Okay…so how are we gonna find this thing?" asked Luigi. His team, The Italians, were walking on a straight dirt path in the woods about 200 feet from the mansion. It was sunny out. Not a cloud in sight.

"I don't know…he said twice as filled, three times as big, and four times as sweet as a normal pie. If we see it, it won't be hard to miss," said Mario.

"Seriously, we have no direction. We don't know where we're going, and he just said to find it. Couldn't he have given us hints or something?" said Dr. Mario.

All three stopped walking.

"We gotta find civilization. That's pretty much our only hope. We need to ask around for this thing," suggested Mario.

"And if we get injured, we have the Doc to help us heal. That's a-"

Luigi's speech was interrupted by Dr. Mario screaming. He was being attacked by a polar bear.

"Hey! Get off him!" Mario threw a fireball at the polar bear and it exploded. Dr. Mario was panting and a little scratched up, but he was okay.

"Thanks for saving me from that polar be- hey, wait a minute!" Dr. Mario realized what just happened. "Was…was that just…"

"Hey…go with the flow," Luigi said.

The three were silent for a while before they began walking again. And about 7 seconds after they resumed walking, Mario had to save Dr. Mario from a herd of penguins on unicycles.

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

The Cute Ones had already made it to a nearby city. However, they were just as aimless as The Italians.

"What do we do?" asked Kirby.

The three were walking on the sidewalk, passing many residents who stopped and made comments about the cuteness of the team.

"PIE isn't gonna be easy to find," said Pikachu.

"I know, but still, we need directions or something," said Kirby.

"More than that, we need another mode of transportation…that's not me," Yoshi said while throwing an egg at a lady trying to pinch his cheek.

"We could try getting by on our looks," suggested Pikachu. The three looked around at the residents pointing at them, going "Awww…", and talking baby talk.

"Look at me Mommy! I'm riding the horsey!" A little girl had taken the initiative and climbed on Yoshi's back. "Giddyup, hor-"

Yoshi bucked her into a stop sign pole.

"No, that'll never work," he said. The three began walking again.

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

Peach and Zelda were standing in front of the mansion's front door. Why, you ask?

"Where is she?" said Peach, a little impatient.

"It shouldn't take that long to bring a spaceship around," said Zelda, completely patient.

That was the cue. At that moment, Samus's starship seemed to appear out of nowhere. It came in for a landing in front of the mansion. The two princesses walked over to it. Samus rose out of the ship on a small platform.

"Where were you? We've been standing here for 5 minutes," complained Peach.

"Do you want to starve during this adventure? I doubt you do," Samus replied.

Peach said nothing.

"Do we have a plan?" asked Zelda.

"Well, no…we were just going to fly around and see what we could find. Got a problem with that? Or a better plan?"

"I guess that'll have to do. Let's get started," said Peach, climbing on top of the ship.

"Wait. We have to go in one at a time."

Zelda teleported behind Samus.

"Really?"

"Yes…" Samus descended into the ship.

"Peach, your turn," she said. Peach got on the platform and descended into the ship. Then the platform rose again.

And got stuck.

"Not again…" Samus sighed.

"This is just great…" Zelda said to herself.

Samus began pounding on the platform from the bottom.

"Peach? A little help?" asked Samus.

"I came on this adventure to avoid conflict and injury."

"Do you want to leave or not?"

"This isn't my problem. This is your ship's problem and you should fix it."

"Gimme a break…Why are you here, anyway?"

"I had nothing better to do, honestly."

"Well, if you want to be on this team, you're gonna have to start pitching in."

"Hello? Are you even trying down there?" Zelda said from the surface.

"Like I said, it's not my problem."

"Don't you want the prize?"

"I'm a princess. I have a castle. I have semi-protective servants. What more could I need, want, or ask for?"

"A better man, for one."

Peach gasped.

"Oh, no…you should be the last to-"

"What's going on down there?"

"Peach doesn't want to get her hands dirty."

"Peach, help her please…" Zelda was a little annoyed.

"Not until she takes that back."

"That'd be lying, and I don't feel like lying right now."

"What do you know about men anyway?"

"That he's not much of one."

"Stop doing that!"

And this went on for about 20 or so minutes.

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

The Brat Pack found themselves in the city as well. But they were also clueless as to their goal.

"Is this even legal?" asked Young Link.

"Don't worry about it too much. We're celebrities. They don't care that we're not even teenagers yet," said Ness.

"Pichu pi pi pichu. Pi pichu…(This is taking too long. I'm bored…)" said Pichu, obviously.

"…For the last time, shut up! I can't understand what you're saying!" exclaimed Young Link.

"Pi pichu chu pichu pichu pi pi! (I don't know what you said just now!)"

"Stop yelling! Now let's think. Where would the world's only super pie be?" said Ness.

"Pi pichu chu? (The supermarket?)"

"That's a tough one…" Young Link said.

"Pi-chu? (Hel-lo?)"

"I hate it when I can't answer my own questions…" said Ness, frustrated.

"Pichu… (Idiots…)" Pichu sighed.

"Think Pichu knows?" asked Ness.

"Maybe…but we have no way of knowing that, now do we?"

The three started to walk off.

"Guess we don't."

"Aren't you two a little young to be out by yourse- oh," said an adult male resident. "You're Ness and Young Link. I'm so-"

"Yeah. Back up," said Young Link as the Pack walked away.

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

The Spacemen were in flight. Fox had decided to use the Arwings as their mode of transportation. He and Falco were no strangers to these ships. C. Falcon was a little shaky at the start, but he got the hang of it.

"Okay guys, stay in formation. We'll find that PIE before you know it," Fox said into the communicator.

"Got it," said Falco.

"Roger," said C. Falcon.

The three were flying at a good speed, and everything was fine.

"Hey Fox," said Falco.

"What is it, Falco?" asked Fox.

"I miss the days where we would fly around blasting the crap out of things."

"So do I. While we're here, we don't have time to accept our good missions. We're too busy fighting," said Fox, sipping on a soda.

"Hey guys. Is this red button the blaster?" asked C. Falcon, eating some chips.

"Yes. But don't touch it. We may need-" Fox was interrupted by a blaster shot.

"Hey!"

"Falcon, what's your problem?" said Falco.

"I just had to try it…I wanted to put blasters on my Blue Falcon, but the Committee doesn't allow use of weapons."

"Neither am I. Now don't do that again. You might hurt some-" Fox was interrupted again by a blaster shot.

"…You're not listening, are you?" he said, checking the communications.

"Falcon, do that again and you'll be the one getting blasted," threatened Falco.

"That's not smart. You wouldn't fire at your own teammate, would you?" said C. Falcon.

"You're not my teammate!" snapped Falco.

"Look, will everyone just keep it together? Falco, calm down. Falcon, stop wasting valuable focus. And probably lives. We have a pastry to look for, remember?" Fox said, keeping order like a leader should.

"Hey, can I have this one?" asked C. Falcon.

"No…those are for team members only. You're kinda renting that. Except it's only for 3 days and you don't have to pay anything. And you have to follow orders!" Fox said.

"Okay, okay…" C. Falcon said. Falco cut off communication with Falcon.

"Hey, Fox?" he asked.

"Now what, Falco?"

"That guy's an asshole."

Fox started laughing.

"It's only 3 days Falco. Can you hold your comments in till then?"

"Fox…I'll try my hardest."

"Hey Fox, what was so funny?" asked Falcon.

Fox chuckled.

"Just…don't worry about it."

"Seriously, what's the joke?"

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

The Three Brave Swordsmen were trying to catch a cab. It seemed that no one wanted to stop for them.

"Hey, taxi. Taxi! Taxi!" Roy was running after a cab for a few feet then quit. "This is ridiculous."

"These drivers are either blind, busy, or racist," said Marth.

"Don't think like that. Hey, taxi! Oh, you blind bastard! You know you saw me!" shouted Roy. He didn't care that many a resident had taken brief glimpses at him.

"Calm down, Roy," said Link.

Roy sighed.

"We're never gonna find PIE at this rate," he said.

"Adventure is 40 percent hope. Just keep hoping, and eventually we'll be able-"

"That one stopped at a red light! I got him!" Roy interrupted Marth and ran to the now-stopped cab. Marth sighed.

"Hey, taxi! Taxi!" Roy shouted. Even with the red light, the cab drove away.

And was hit by a truck.

Roy stopped running.

"Good for him. Hey…I've got an idea…"

"Roy, get back over here," said Link.

"Don't worry! I'll get us a cab!" Roy said, walking in the middle of the street.

"Whatever…" said Marth.

Roy stood still, unsheathed his Sword of Seals, and waited for a cab. Soon he saw one coming straight toward him.

_Perfect… _

The cab didn't seem to be slowing. Which didn't matter, since Roy threw his sword directly at the driver's head, killing him. When the cab came near, Roy jumped through the hole in the windshield his sword had created, stopped the car, and dropped the body on the street. He honked the horn.

"Let's go, guys!"

The two weren't there.

"What the...?" He turned to his left and there they were.

In another cab.

Marth signaled Roy to get in.

"Oops…" Roy quickly got out of that cab and into the other one.

"You're sick, you know that?" said Marth.

"Shut up" was all Roy could say.

"Where to?" the driver asked.

"The nearest Mall-Mart would be nice," said Link. The cab drove off.

(For the record, Mall-Mart is in no way associated with Wal-Mart. They just rhyme. Go figure.)

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

The Power Trip had a little problem as well. No one would talk to them. They were inside a grocery store where each customer seemed to dislike strong people/creatures.

"Excuse me, miss lady, could you help-" DK's call for help was cut short by a loud scream directly in his ear.

"Hey! What are you scared of? Come here!" Ganondorf shouted to an 8-year-old kid.

"Mommy…God…one of you, HELP!" The kid rocketed out of the store, screaming his lungs out.

"I hate kids…" Ganondorf muttered.

"We're looking for PIE! Do you know where we can find it? Huh?" Bowser roared at the man behind the counter, who was stuttering like crazy.

"Huh? We don't have all day! ANSWER ME!"

The man screamed like a girl for a few seconds, then fainted. The Power Trip was speechless. Everyone was gone.

"This isn't working, guys," said DK.

"No…really? It's not?" Ganondorf said sarcastically while picking up some junk food.

"Why don't we try asking nicely?" DK suggested.

"It's not our fault we're awesomely terrifying," stated Bowser, drinking iced tea. DK picked up a banana and started eating it.

"Let's go," he said.

They walked out of the store.

"Hey…free food," said Ganondorf.

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

The Ice Climbers and Mr. Game & Watch were walking through the city, being admired by adults and the elderly everywhere they went. And some kids.

"This is nice!" said Popo.

"Yeah! We never get this much admiration at the mansion!" said Nana.

"Beep! (Yep!)"

"What he said!" the Ice Climbers said in unison.

Mr. Game & Watch then got stuck in a crack in the sidewalk. A lot of people tripped over him because they couldn't see him from the front.

"Beep beep buzz, buzz beep beep! (Don't walk off, get me out!)"

"What he said again!" the Ice Climbers said, smiling as they walked.

_Sheesh…that was a lot. Well, hope you enjoyed that one. Trust me, there's more…_


	3. Unfortunate

_Alright. Chapter 3. Sweet. Enjoy._

"Those losers…leaving me here all by myself…"

Jigglypuff sighed as she talked to herself, lying on the couch's pillow. She was incredibly bored. The TV wasn't at all interesting (the cable cut off) and she was all alone. She didn't care about the prize. She just wanted something to do for the next couple of days. If it took that long.

"Hmm…I don't need them to have a good time."

She sprang up from the pillow, grabbed a remote, and pressed the power button. There was an explosion.

The record player was destroyed.

"Figures," the balloon Pokemon said, throwing the remote out of the window in defeat. She had hit and killed a squirrel, but she wasn't paying attention.

"Am I not meant to have fu-" She was hit in the face by a piece of lunch meat. She took it off her face, sniffed it, and tasted it. Then gagged.

It was salami.

"They'll never learn…the record player doesn't play salami."

Jigglypuff ran upstairs, got Falcon's wallet off of her dresser, and went outside.

"Now my quest begins. To get a new record player. Or better yet, a _portable_ record player!" she said to herself, walking off, oblivious to the fact that those didn't exist.

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

The Italians made it. To the mall. No better place to look for a possible illegally enhanced pastry, right?

"This place is-a perfect for finding a possible illegally enhanced-a pastry!" said Luigi.

"It took-a forever to get-a here, though," said Dr. Mario, rubbing his feet.

"Looks like we're the first-a ones here," said Mario.

"Look out-a!" cried Luigi.

All 3 jumped out of the way of a speeding cab. Actually, they all backflipped over it.

"That-a never works," said Mario.

"That's our cue to get-a the hell out of-a the parking lot," said Dr. Mario. The three walked to the front door of the mall. Shortly after that, they all heard an explosion. Several people screamed; one of the kids screamed directly in Mario's face. Mario threw a fireball into the kid's mouth to shut him up.

But mainly to kill him.

"What in the world-a?" said Luigi.

A wave of people rushed out of the mall, almost knocking the Italians over. But they jumped up and stepped on people's heads to avoid trampling. Eventually they landed.

"At least the mall is empty," said Mario. The three nodded and began to walk inside.

"Hold on-a." A voice from behind called to them.

"Roy, I told you that wasn't gonna work…"

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

The Cute Ones had finally figured out a place to look. Wherever the train would take them.

"You really think this train's gonna take us to the right place?" asked Kirby. He, Yoshi, and Pikachu were all sitting together in the first of ten cars. The train was now outside.

"Maybe. It's not like we have anything to lose," said Pikachu, the rightful owner of the train idea.

"You mean besides time?" said Yoshi.

"Look, it's not like we would've had a better chance in the city anyway," Pikachu pointed out. "Besides, I needed to take a little trip. What about you two?"

Yoshi and Kirby said nothing.

"Silent agreement. That's how you know you won."

"Yeah, yeah," said Kirby.

"Excuse me?"

The Cute Ones looked at a little girl, standing right in front of them, staring with deep admiration.

"Umm…can I have your autographs?"

Pikachu held up a paw. "Pika pikachu?"

"He asked if you had ink," said the translator, Kirby.

"Um, no. Just a pen," the girl responded.

"He can't write," Yoshi said, while Pikachu shook his head.

"What about you two?" the girl asked.

"Well…how much do you have on you?" asked Kirby in a somewhat low voice.

"I'm broke…"

"Can't help ya," sighed Kirby.

The girl just stood there for a few seconds. Then she threw her notepad and pen on the floor in frustration.

"Damn it! This happens every goddamn time! Stupid celebrities!"

The Cute Ones stared and said nothing.

"…Shit!" The little girl stomped away, repeating that swear with each step.

The three shook their heads simultaneously.

"Pitiful," they all said.

Right after that, a loud explosion was heard, almost rendering the trio (and possibly the other passengers) deaf. The car they were in leaned forward in a steep slant. An unknown force had suddenly destroyed the overpass the train was crossing, and the train was on its way down into the street below.

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

Team Girl Power was finally airborne after almost an hour of bickering and trying to correct the platform malfunction. However, now that they were moving, they didn't have a specific destination.

"So…just fly around?" asked Peach for the 6th time.

"We have no other option right now, so stop asking me that," said Samus.

Peach sighed.

"This PIE thing sounds pretty special for Master Hand to send all of his workers to go look for it. And to offer a 'special prize' too? I'm thinking about keeping it for myself and selling it," Samus continued.

"The boss wouldn't like that," said Zelda.

"Yeah, I know."

"Girls?" Peach said.

"What is it, Peach?" said Samus.

"Look." Peach pointed out the window. Samus got up (the ship was on auto-pilot) and looked out the window.

"Great…"

They were flying toward a train wreck near a destroyed overpass. The damage was considerable; 8 of the 10 train cars had fallen into the street, there was a growing fire, and many cars (automobiles) had been totaled.

"We should check it out," said Zelda.

"Fine," Samus said, almost regretfully. "We're coming in for a landing." She sat back down in her seat, pressed some buttons, and about 10 seconds later, the ship landed in front of the wreck. Samus exited first. (Mind you, she's wearing her suit.) She scanned the area for survivors.

There were 4.

"What a disaster," Zelda said as she rose out of the ship.

"We need to find those survivors," said Samus, rushing toward the rubble.

"Oh, this is horrible," said Peach, the last to exit the ship.

"Look for the survivors," Zelda said as she teleported to the wreckage. Peach floated over shortly after. The team dug out rubbish feverishly searching for those four survivors. It took a little while, but within about 2 minutes, Samus heard some groans nearby. She quickly discerned the source.

The train car right in front of her.

Since the car had been turned on its side, Samus jumped on top of the car and blasted the door open. She jumped inside; Peach and Zelda followed close by.

The groaning continued.

Samus turned to her right.

"Are you guys all right?"

Yoshi, Kirby, Pikachu, and the little girl all groaned at the same time.

"No fractures or wounds, just sprains," Samus said.

"And my head is killing me," groaned Kirby.

"Pika pi…" said Pikachu.

Yoshi, who was lying right next to Pikachu, kicked him with all of his strength. Which was very little.

"Nothing to lose, right?" the dinosaur said, straining words slightly.

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

The Brat Pack had a little problem. They had decided to get on the train to the last stop, wherever it was. However, the train had suddenly fallen off an overpass, and they had almost fallen. They were in the 9th car when the incident occurred. All the power had been cut off, so the lights were out (even though it was the middle of the day and it had no effect) and the AC was off (to some effect as the doors were jammed and the kids couldn't open the windows).

"This isn't fair…" complained Young Link.

"What the hell do we do now? Our one plan didn't work, and we almost died," said Ness, a little worked up.

"Pichu pichu pi! (I said the supermarket!)"

"We're never gonna get that little rodent, are we?" asked Young Link with a sigh.

Sirens could be heard below them.

"No…" Ness said as he took out his baseball bat and walked towards a window. "We won't." After 3 hard swings, the window finally broke. The three jumped out of it and onto the battered side of the tracks.

"Now…how do we get down from here?" said Young Link.

"Pi pichu pi! (Samus's ship!)" Pichu pointed down at Team Girl Power about to leave the scene of destruction.

"Crap. Don't let them leave. Hey!" Young Link yelled. Eventually the other two assisted by yelling as loud as they could and waving their arms. Samus soon saw them, but she and the other two still got on board.

"Where's she going? Hey! Over here!" Young Link continued yelling.

The ship rose and headed towards the Pack at low speed. It then hovered in front of the edge of the tracks where the three stood. Samus rose out of the ship. She took off her helmet.

"Are you kids all right?" she called out.

"Yeah, we're fine!" Ness yelled.

"Was there any one else down there?" Young Link yelled.

"Come on!" Samus yelled, holding out her arm.

All three jumped the 3 feet to Samus's starship. When they were all inside, the ship lowered.

"Where were you guys going?" asked Peach.

"Wherever the train's last stop was. But now…we wanna hang out with you guys! I mean, girls," said Young Link.

"It's already crowded with 3 people in here," said Zelda.

"Sorry, kids," said Samus.

"Aww…" all 3 said, with Pichu's being "Pi…".

"Was anyone down there?" Ness asked.

"Let's just say…Team 2 is eliminated," Samus said.

The Brat Pack gasped.

"They're not dead, they're just a little banged up," Samus added.

"Aww…" the 3 said again, with Pichu's being "Pi…".

"Anyone know where that explosion came from?" asked Young Link.

The two teams heard whooshing overhead.

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

"Falcon, you big ass! Look what you did!"

Falco was yelling at Falcon as The Spacemen flew over a train wreck primarily caused by Falcon's first shot.

"First that mall, now this…" Fox sighed as he spoke.

Falcon scratched his head in embarrassment.

"Those are some powerful blasters."

"Falcon, this is serious! You killed a lot of people just now!" Fox yelled.

"Accidentally," Falcon added.

"Technically, you fired on purpose, so the authorities will assume-"

"Authorities?" Falco was interrupted by Falcon's question.

"Yeah, the authorities. They'll assume you hit your targets on purpose as well. Falcon, you're gonna be wanted for manslaughter or something. I don't know what the hell you just did is called here."

"Basically…you're in deep shit," Fox added.

Falcon gulped.

"This is so bad for my image…but since I'm in your ship, and there were no witnesses-"

"Didn't you see Samus's starship back there?"

Fox had a good point.

"She'll know Falco and I didn't do it."

"Well, if we find PIE, maybe the boss will be so stoked he'll bail you out of prison," Falco said, trying to calm Falcon's nerves.

"No. I'm not going to prison. Not me. I look too good to be in prison," Falcon ranted.

"If you plan on becoming a fugitive or something, do us a favor and leave us out of it," said Fox.

"Maybe I eliminated a team that was on the train," Falcon said.

"As awesome as that would be…hey, maybe you did. Maybe he did, Fox," Falco said.

"Just drop it and let's continue the search. We'll fly over that bridge when we come to it," said Fox.

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

The Three Brave Swordsmen and The Italians were traversing a now empty Mall-Mart, looking for anything that could help them find PIE. Individually. As teams. Well, they were walking together, but they were still adversaries.

"I can't believe you guys-a tried-a to kill us!" said Luigi.

"Don't-a act so surprised, Luigi. We're used to it-a by now," said Mario.

"It's all competition," said Roy.

"Let's just look for some clues or something," said Marth.

About 6 minutes into the walk, the teams split up; The Italians stayed downstairs while the Swordsmen went upstairs. The Swordsmen walked and walked, passing many a deserted booth and empty store, but finding nothing.

"Where did everybody go?" Link said while looking around. He looked to the right and noticed a huge hole in the wall. "Oh yeah…"

"Shh. Hear that?" Marth whispered. The group stopped walking and listened. They could all hear soft breathing and footsteps. From below them.

"Wait. How can we hear that?" asked Roy.

"That's not the point," said Link.

"Well why not?" asked Roy.

"The point is, someone's still here. They might know some-"

"Stop-a!"

Marth was cut short by Mario's yelling.

"What the...?" Link said.

As they ran back to the escalator to see what was happening, they could hear rapid footsteps getting louder and louder. The Italians were chasing a man in a dark blue raincoat out of the mall.

"Come back here with my PIE!" Luigi yelled.

"He has PIE?" all 3 Swordsmen said at the same time. They quickly jumped off the balcony and joined the chase.

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

The Power Trip now had a little hunch of where PIE could be. Mall-Mart. They knew that place had everything.

"I'm telling you, if PIE's not there, it probably ain't anywhere," said Bowser.

The three were walking down the street to Mall-Mart, making people flinch and scream along the way, without trying this time.

"Well, even if it's not, see that smoke? There's probably no one there anyway, so…" DK hinted.

"Hey…free stuff," Ganondorf said. The Power Trip started chuckling, then laughing.

"I've finally found you!"

The three stopped laughing and walking and stared at a man pointing a rifle to Bowser's head.

"Your reign of terror ends now, King of the Koop-"

Bowser grabbed the man's rifle, bent the tube back, yanked the rifle out of his hand (almost breaking his arm), and whacked the man over the head with it, knocking him out. Afterwards, The Power Trip began laughing again.

"Ok, let's go," DK said. As they stepped over the unconscious guy, they noticed a large Harrier jet (much like the ones in Viewtiful Joe, which I also don't own) hovering where the smoke was. They could see a small figure jump into the cockpit and fly off.

"Wonder what that was?" said Ganondorf.

"Who cares? Let's just get this damn PIE!" said Bowser.

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

Team Old School had the same idea as all the other teams. However, Mr. Game & Watch was using the bathroom at the time of the "attack", and all 3 were clueless as to what happened. The Ice Climbers waited outside for their little flat friend to finish his business.

"How can he use the bathroom, anyway?" asked Nana.

"What if he's plotting against us?" asked Popo.

The two said nothing for a while. The toilet flushed from inside.

"That's silly!" the Ice Climbers said.

Mr. Game & Watch came out from under the bathroom door.

"Beep, buzz buzz beep beep buzz? (So, are we ready to go?)"

"Are we ready?" asked Nana.

Mr. Game & Watch sighed.

_Yeah, I'm done. Stay tuned…_


	4. Crash

_I know this took a while, but that's not important. It's here. Read and enjoy it._

At the grocery store, Jigglypuff was walking up and down the aisles, looking for either a new record player or a new portable record player. She had been doing this for almost a half hour. Eventually, one of the clerks spotted the clueless puffball walking around. He approached her.

"Is there something you want?" the man asked. Jigglypuff turned around.

"Where do you keep your record players?"

The man just looked at her and sighed.

"Do you have any portable ones?"

The man looked at her and sighed annoyedly.

"This is a grocery store," the man said.

Jigglypuff nodded. "Uh-huh."

"…The keyword is grocery."

"Yeah."

"…Let me explain this the simplest way I can." The man inhaled and kicked Jigglypuff into a wall.

"Get it?"

Jigglypuff made a muffled response and pried herself off of the wall.

"They're in the wall?"

She was hit with a 50-cent bag of chips.

"This isn't a record player! What are you, retarded?"

"We don't sell those, dumbass!"

"Well, what the hell kind of grocery store is this? This is ridiculous!" Jigglypuff stomped out of the store in a huff. Then she stopped and slowly turned around.

"Oh…"

She realized what just happened.

"Wrong grocery."  


* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

The Italians were pacing the front of Mall-Mart, thinking of what to do next. The Three Brave Swordsmen had accompanied them.

"Well, this is-a just wonderful. Now what-a do we do?" asked Luigi, stressed out.

"If only we had a way to contact Fox. Then at least we could see a dogfight," said Roy.

"This-a sucks…" Mario said with a sigh.

"This 'adventure' could've been over…if it wasn't for you slowpokes," said Marth.

"What-a do you mean, slow?" asked Dr. Mario.

"If it was me chasing that guy, the prize would've been ours and we could all go back to the mansion and get on with our lives," Marth continued.

"That's not the point right now! Look, the only teams that can actually do something about that guy are Girl Power and The Spacemen. The prize is out of our reach until they shoot him down or something. Besides…how do we know that it was PIE you guys saw?" Link pointed out.

"That-a pie was-a huge! That-a wasn't normal, trust me," Mario said.

"Yeah, that's great. You can worry about your prize, but there are better things to go after right now," a gruff voice said.

The Power Trip had arrived.

"What are you talking about?" asked Roy.

"That blast created an abandoned mall. What do you think us bad guys are gonna do next?" said Ganondorf. DK raised his hand.

"I'm not bad, just taking advantage," he said.

"Looting? That's pretty low…" said Marth.

"Well, Master Hand couldn't possibly give us something better than what we could get right now. Now step aside, losers," Bowser said, pushing the six out of the way.

"Joining us, Mario?" asked DK.

"This-a store has nothing I want," Mario replied.

DK shrugged and followed Bowser and Ganondorf.

"He's-a got a point," Luigi said. "What-a could Master Hand-a have that's-a so great, anyway?"

"It's not in our nature," answered Link.

Luigi groaned. "Stupid nature."  


* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

Team Girl Power was receiving a signal.

"It's from Fox," said Samus. She answered the call. "What is it, Fox?"

"Samus, this is Fox."

"I know. I just called you Fox."

"Oh. Yeah," Fox said with a chuckle. "Listen, some lunatic in a Harrier almost rammed us out of the sky. We noticed something very weird about him. He was holding a pie."

"Pie?" asked Peach. Zelda shushed her.

"You think that's it?" asked Samus.

"Yeah. And I just called to tell you…losers! We win! Ha!"

The signal cut off.

"He can be such a jerk sometimes," Samus said with a sigh.

"So do we go back?" asked Zelda.

"I hope so! I want that prize!" said Peach.

"Peach…" Samus turned her starship around. "Shut up."  


* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

The Brat Pack was walking back to the mansion. They had given up.

"We're never gonna get PIE without any leads…might as well go home," said Ness.

"Yeah…what's-her-face is probably lonely anyway," said Young Link.

"Jigglypuff."

"Right."

"Pi pichu pichu chu? (What's wrong with you guys?)"

"As soon as we get to the mansion, you're getting away from us," said Ness.

Pichu sighed.  


* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

"Falcon, you get to press the red button now."

"Good…"

Falco just informed Falcon that a dogfight was about to ensue.

"Let's hope you know how to dodge," said Fox. The three were tailing the Harrier, waiting for an attack. Eventually, the jet released 5 homing missiles. 5 very, very slow homing missiles.

"What is this guy, an idiot?" Fox wondered as he easily blasted the missiles.

"Hey, I wanted to blast them!" said Falcon.

"It's always about you. So selfish…" said Falco.

"I'm a bounty hunter."

"So are we. What's your point?"

"You're a team. I work alone and live alone, so I'm always looking out for me."

"I don't wanna hear your life story right now."

"Why do always have to start something with me?"

"Move!"

Fox interrupted the argument to warn the others of the powerful laser blast that was headed for them. (The Harrier had turned around, lowered a cannon from the bottom, and was charging its blast.) The team quickly moved out of the way, narrowly avoiding danger.

"Alright! Let's kick ass!" Falco cheered. All 3 ships started firing at the jet.

But it vanished.

"Where the hell did it go?" said Falco.

"Be alert, team. That guy wouldn't just leave us alone," said Fox.

The Harrier reappeared behind the team, charging its cannon again.

"Flip!" Fox called out.

The team did a synchronized backflip, again narrowly avoiding danger. They ended up behind the Harrier and shot it with a barrage of lasers. They caused considerable damage as the jet was now smoking a bit. It tried to turn around, but there was an explosion on the side of the nose.

"Falco, look out!" Falcon called out.

Falco quickly barrel-rolled to the left, avoiding Samus's starship.

"Shit! That was close!" Falco exclaimed.

"I knew she was gonna do that…" Fox said with a sigh.

The Harrier caught fire and was headed down.

"Girls, we got this one," Samus said. Peach clapped while Zelda nodded. They began tailing the jet.

"No! We had him first! Follow me!" Fox dived after the starship. Falco and Falcon followed close behind.  


* * *

Meanwhile…

* * *

Team Old School was walking to the front of the mall. Mr. Game & Watch was done doing whatever he does in the bathroom. They passed the looters (The Power Trip) and reached the outside of the mall, where The Italians and The Three Brave Swordsmen were sitting on the curb.

"What's going on with you guys?" asked Nana with a smile.

The two teams were looking up, mouths agape.

"What are you guys looking at?" asked Popo, looking up as well. "Oh…cool!"

BOOM!

The Harrier jet crashed right in front of the mall, about 75 meters away. The Italians and The Three Brave Swordsmen immediately sprang up.

"That's our cue," said Marth.

"Let's-a go!" said Mario.

"Beep buzz buzz beep! (Shut up and run!)"

_Okay, that was a bit shorter than the other ones. Yep…back to Luigi's Experiment…_


	5. Competition

_Hmm…should I do review responses..? Ah, fine._

Lacto3.1415- _Good for ou. Y? No._

razzkat- _Sure thing…_

Xiao-Darkcloud- _…No comment. Sorry._

Ri2- _Uh…_

joebthegreat- _Dude, I gave the hair to someone else. I didn't need it. Yet._

_Now Chapter 5 begins._

"Um, excuse me?"

Jigglypuff was in a major electronics store, still looking for her portable record player. She had terrorized about 6 grocery stores and none of them had it. Duh. She found an employee and was asking him about it.

"What do you need?" the employee responded, cheerful yet busy.

"I'm looking for a portable record player."

The employee's pupils widened, and a shocked expression slowly formed on his face.

"…You guys don't have it either? What the hell?" Jigglypuff was about to walk away, but the employee yanked her by the ear and pulled her into an unusually dim corner.

"Who do you work for?" he asked in a hushed voice.

Jigglypuff was startled.

"What are you talking about? All I asked for was a-"

The employee shushed her and looked around quickly. Then he started the explanation.

"The portable record player…is a top-secret, government-funded, top-secret project. How did you find out about it?"

Jigglypuff realized the severity of what was going on.

"So I have to get it from the government now?

"No!" the employee exclaimed frantically. "That's not what I-"

"Piece of cake!"

Jigglypuff ran out of the store in delight as the employee (whose name tag was blank, for some reason) stared in disbelief and surprise.

"This has gotten way out of hand. If the project falls into the clutches of the wrong people…"

The employee started crying.

"Oh, Julia…"

"Mommy, what's his problem?" a little girl asked her mother as they walked by.

"Oh, he's just sad. Or a retard," the mom replied.

The employee started crying even louder.

"Mommy, I'm scared…"  


* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

The group, which consisted of The Italians, The Three Brave Swordsmen, and Old School, were almost at the wreckage where the destroyed Harrier lay in flames, and, if they were lucky, PIE would be there too. As they ran, Mr. Game & Watch fell into another crack, but no one really paid attention.

"We're almost there…" Marth said, panting slightly. When he looked up, he noticed three Arwings and Samus's starship approaching the crash site. When he looked straight ahead, he could see several residents gathered around the wreckage, wondering what exactly happened.

"That PIE is ours!" the Ice Climbers shouted in joyous unison, though they were only faster than Link.

Within several seconds, Marth made it first, and he climbed on top of the jet, minding the flames. He unsheathed Falchion and swiftly slashed the cockpit in half, opening it.

The ships had just landed. As the pilots exited, they all awaited the result.

"What-a was in there?" asked Mario.

"Yeah, what?" Roy chimed in.

"Tell us!" Popo added.

"Damn, they got to it first…" Falcon said, punching his palm.

"Let's see what happened…" said Samus.

Marth quickly found the guy The Italians were chasing. He turned it around.

A small screen was where his head would've been.

"Great," he muttered to himself.

The screen turned on to reveal the top section of a bald, fat man wearing sunglasses and a very pointy mustache. He laughed. His laugh was hoarse, yet a tad high-pitched; annoying, yet sinister.

"I am Doctor Eggman. Pleased to chat with you, Smashers. But this PIE is mine! Let's see you try and stop me!" He laughed again.

"I already hate this guy," said Fox.

"Don't worry! I'll be seeing you soon to finish you off," Eggman continued. "And when I do, the sugar rush from PIE will have me inventing fourfold! Then I will be unstoppable! So long, foo-"

Marth turned it off.

"This guy is delusional…" he said.

The Power Trip suddenly arrived, carrying many bags of goodies.

"What'd we miss?" asked Bowser.

"Some fat guy wants PIE too," answered Falco.

"Oh, okay," said Ganondorf. The Power Trip walked back to the mansion.

Everyone was silent for a little while.

"Well…they've actually got the right idea," said Nana.

"What?" asked Luigi, unsure what she meant.

"If he's going to see us again…we might as well wait it out," suggested Link.

Everyone thought about it for a little while.

"Nah!" they all said.

"I'll find out where the signal came from. You guys can do whatever," Samus said, observing the robot with the screen head.

15 seconds later

"I have the coordinates," Samus said.

"That was quick," said Roy.

"The signal came from…"

_We shall see next chapter. Now this was short..._


	6. Infiltration?

_Hi._

Lacto3.1415- _Yeah…gotta…love…the ellipses…_

Ri2- _He's an idiot. What can I say?_

Xiao-Darkcloud- _No, I didn't._

Joebthegreat- _…Ouch._

Yoshizilla- _Yoshi, Kirby, and Pikachu, huh? Maybe. But you'll see Sonic and Mewtwo soon. Not now, but soon._

Razzkat- _That's the style. Well, it was when all the teams were participating…_

Wtfzoids- _I'm not _that _evil…_

Uhyeahitsteamdark- _When it comes to my humorous stories, you're better off not thinking. I don't do it._

Nakoya- _I hope I do too._

…_Hey wait…_

Jigglypuff's pointless quest to find a portable record player had led her to an airport. That nameless dude said that the player was government-funded, top-secret, and top-secret. She decided to go to the most government-ish place she knew.

The FBI convention in New York City.

Now Jigglypuff had never heard of this city, but maybe, just maybe, the item of her dreams for the past hour could be waiting for her there. She walked up to the airplane. Yes, the airplane.

"How do I get on this thing?"

The plane was huge, and the engine was on, so she knew it may have been ready to leave. Or board. One or the other. She searched the bottom of the plane looking for an opening. There was nothing.

"Okay, let me try another one. I hope these things are all going to the same-"

She was shot by a crew member with a tranquilizer gun and checked, like some sort of dog. The guy picked up the container and said, into a walkie-talkie:

"That was a weird-ass dog. Okay, I'm headed back to the jet."

"Roger," a male voice responded. The guy drove away in his golf cart, listening to Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit.  


* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

"The signal came from…"

Samus pointed to an unusually tall tower south of where they stood. "There." The tower had Eggman's face on the side near the top in neon.

"Well, now we know why that was built," Roy said with a shrug.

"Okay then…how do we get in?" Falco asked.

"Screw getting in. He doesn't have PIE, so let's blow him the (beep) up!" Falco said. The remark was accompanied by several males cheering.

Everyone thought about this for a little bit.

"That…makes sense…" Zelda said.

"So can we go?" Falcon asked.

"No…wait. If we destroy that tower, it will go crashing down on the city citizens, and people are gonna hate us…" said Peach.

"Aw…damn city," said Falco.

"Well, infiltrating strongholds is something I've been doing for years!" Mario exclaimed, proud of himself.

"Dude, you lost your accent!" Popo exclaimed.

"Wow! I did, didn't I?" Mario said.

"Maybe that place has some dungeons for me…" Link said, trying hard to be proud of himself.

"Maybe I can get kidnapped again!" Peach said, proud of herself for some moronic reason.

"Come on! Let's go!" Nana yelled. The Spacemen and Girl Power flew to the building in their ships, while the rest took other people's cars (the people were too caught up in the moment to stop them). When all of the excitement had died down, The Power Trip returned.

"Hey, where'd everybody go that quick?" Bowser asked. The people booed and walked away. Ganondorf was hit in the head with a boot.  


* * *

25 minutes later…  


* * *

The Spacemen, Girl Power, Old School, The Italians, and The Three Brave Swordsmen were right outside of the building. For some reason, no one wanted to go in.

"Well Italians, go ahead," said Marth.

"Nah, let The Spacemen go," Luigi said.

"Old School can handle this," said Falcon.

There was silence.

"…Oh, that's us!" Popo said suddenly. "Well, let the girls…what's their team again?"

"You're an idiot," said Samus.

"Let's all go in, at the same time," suggested Fox. "On the count of three. One…two…"

No one moved or spoke.

"Three!" The Spacemen ran inside. By themselves. Roy snickered.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Fox exclaimed, looking back.

"Okay guys…go!" Dr. Mario said. All of the teams rushed into the lobby, and soon, they all made a mad dash to the elevator. A tall, chicken-looking robot named Scratch ran after them.

"Excuse me! Hey! You guys need an appointment with Robotnik to go in- hey! Where are you going?" His voice was a bit squawky. The teams dived into the opening elevator. Scratch tried to dive in, but he hit his head on the closing door.

"Okay, if this guy…why did…oh, I give up," said Luigi.

The elevator door opened, and there stood Scratch, red in the face and pissed off.

"You-"

The elevator door closed. Samus quickly pressed the button marked "56". Yeah, that was a pretty tall building.

"Hmm. So we kick this guy's ass, right?" asked Roy.

Everyone nodded.

"And then we keep looking for PIE?" he asked.

"Looking for what, now?" asked Falcon, fixing his gloves.

_Wow…_


	7. Whereabouts

_Finally…The Brat Pack gets some more attention._

At the Smash Mansion, The Brat Pack was eating junk food and watching television. Because everyone was occupied with something, the three were home alone. After they discarded the dead, stinky squirrel, they waited for the others' quest to end. Waiting had never been so much fun.

Except now. For 2 reasons.

The Power Trip had just walked in, and there was nothing really on TV.

"What are you wimps doing here?" Bowser asked, putting down all of his awesome electronics.

"We _were_ watching TV, but now there's nothing on," Young Link said, flipping through channels.

"Yeah, whatever," Ganondorf said, iced out. The Brat Pack stared at the excessive amount of jewelry he was wearing.

"Damn, you're iced out," said Young Link.

Ganondorf nodded and smiled, revealing shiny, golden teeth with the words "Evil4Lyfe" engraved on them.

"You didn't get those from the mall," DK noticed, holding a computer and large bags full of bananas.

"That's right," Ganondorf said.

"You stole them from somebody," said Ness.

"That's right…" Ganondorf walked away. The rest shrugged and went about their business.

"Pi pichu chu pi? (Wonder where Jigglypuff went?)"

"Oh my Go- shut up!" Young Link snapped, passionately wanting to chop Pichu's head off. Then something happened that caught everyone's attention.

"It's PIE!"

Everyone stopped what they were doing, and then scrambled to the television to hear and see more. DK and Bowser rushed to the TV as well (Bowser "accidentally" tackled Pichu through the window). Yes, the announcer was in fact talking about Pastry Inexplicably Enhanced. The PIE rested on a rotating platform as if it were a car, and it was noticeably big & full.

"The grand prize winner of today's show will receive PIE- Pastry Inexplicably Enhanced! This magically pumped-up pastry is twice as big, thrice as full, and fource...? That's a word? Well…fource as sweet as a normal pie! Only 1 exists in the entire universe, and it could be yours if you win…Monkeyshine!"

As the applause began, the Smashers' jaws dropped like Fox when metallic. Pichu climbed back through the window, dazed.

"Anyone know where that studio is?" asked DK.

"It's Smash City week, so…"

Ness stopped. Everyone bolted out the door. Except Ganondorf, who was upstairs admiring his bling.

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

When Jigglypuff awakened, she was staring directly at a dim, overhead light. She moaned, sat up, stretched, and was about to get up to leave when…

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

A rifle cocked. Jigglypuff turned around in her seat. A guy resembling the guy that checked her guarded the only door. But the first dude was in a pool of his own blood in the corner. Was this his twin?

"Why's that guy dead in the corner?"

"He forgot my latte."

Jigglypuff whimpered.

"Don't worry." The man was wearing a white tuxedo and sitting on a large, red executive chair. His voice was deep and he was fairly light-skinned. "I won't kill you. You know too much."

This was the first time Jigglypuff had ever heard anything resembling a compliment for her intelligence. Ever.

"Really? Me? Honestly? Truly? Too much? Know? Me? For real? Swear?" She blushed a little.

"…Yes…Listen. We must know…how did you hear of the portable record player?"

"Ooh! This is one of those interrogation thingies! Uh…I dunno. I just started looking for it when the record player broke."

The man banged the desk with his fists.

"Don't give me that shit!"

"It's true! Why is this such an issue? What's with the portable record player?"

The man sighed. The door guard imitated a guitar solo to a song he was listening to: Twisted Sister's We're Not Gonna Take It.

"It started 3 years ago. The record age had long passed, and CDs were as common as air. Somebody couldn't accept the cold fact that records were obsolete. Her name was Julia Jewel."

Jigglypuff gasped dramatically.

"She made a machine 3 times as large as the standard portable CD player, simply called the portable record player. No one thought it would be any success at all. Julia ended up selling 93 million units in 24 hours. People bought it by accident, it was so successful. Within a week, she became a multi-billionaire. The FBI found something incredibly wrong with this. They confronted Julia and stated that the device would become government property and funds would be equally shared. Period."

Jigglypuff began eating popcorn.

"They lied," the man whispered. "When- where'd you get that?"

Jigglypuff shrugged as the door guard snagged some.

"Okay, where was I...? Oh, yeah. When Julia began getting less and less money, she personally threatened to sue. A letter would've been better. Heh. Rhyme…Yeah, she got shot in the eyes. She died, too."

Jigglypuff began drinking a Pepsi. (I don't own Pepsi. If I did, soda would suck.)

"The FBI took it off store shelves a year ago."

Jigglypuff turned around and spat her Pepsi at the door guard. "WHAT? They stopped selling it?"

The man nodded. "They plan to insert some type of nuclear weapon/mind-control device, then re-release it…and, as popular as it was, it was easily breakable. Do you know what that means?"

Jigglypuff shook her head.

"Everyone will buy it all over again. And when that happens…we'll all be in trouble. That's why I needed to know what you did."

"Well, now I know everything."

The three were silent.

"Damn, I need to stop doing that…"

"Can I go now?"

The man snapped his fingers and the door guard moved to the side.

"Two more questions though. 1, why doesn't anyone else know about this?"

"They never ask me who I am…If this gets out, the government _will_ kill whoever spread the word."

"'Kay. And 2, why would the FBI do something like this?"

"We're really not sure, but we assume it is for testing purposes. Just an assumption."

"Well, I want one! And I'll be popped if I'm gonna let the 'government' put a weapon/device in something so cool! I'm better than the government! Screw them!"

"Don't be ridiculous!"

"I can't help it!"

Jigglypuff grabbed her refreshments and stormed out. 10 seconds later, she stormed back in.

"I need cab fare!"

"Knock yourself out!" The man threw a $20 bill at Jigglypuff, who caught it.

"Thank you!"

"No problem!"

"Bye!" Jigglypuff stormed off once more. "Sucker. I still have Falcon's money…"

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

Ding! The elevator door opened. The Italians, The Spacemen, The Three Brave Swordsmen, Girl Power, and Old School stepped out, all looking heroic, ready to take on anything thrown at them. Then the Ice Climbers busted out laughing, and the rest groaned.

"Sorry. I couldn't hold it," laughed Popo.

The teams heard Eggman's sinister laugh. They looked straight ahead at a desk. Behind it, a wall-sized drape opened to reveal a wall-sized window. A tall, black chair turned around to reveal the source of the laughter. Peach gasped. For no reason.

"Smashers! Welcome to one of my many headquarters."

"Shut up! I'm sick of hearing your voice!" Fox yelled.

"It's ass-kicking time," Falcon said. Each team slowly walked towards Eggman. Who chuckled.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you!"

Eggman snapped his long fingers. The floor directly in front of them became heavily electrified. All teams took several steps back, and Eggman laughed again.

"PIE _will_ be mine. I've just traced the transmission of Monkeyshine, and I'm on my way to crash the game." He jumped into that round floating machine he flies around in, flew out the window, and turned around. "Just try and stop me!" He began flying away.

The teams looked at him like he was a retard. Samus shot Eggman down with a missile like it was nothing. Which it was.

"Damn, I hate Monkeyshine…" said Marth.

"Well…" After Nana spoke, everyone rushed into the elevator. Link quickly pressed "1".

"The Brat Pack is bound to be there," said Luigi.

"And if we're unlucky, so will Mewtwo and The Power Trip," said Mario.

"Does it matter?" asked Zelda.

The large group thought for a little while.

"No. It really doesn't," said Samus.

_Well. Now they know where it is. Who will get it first? And where exactly is Mewtwo? What could he be doing...?_


	8. Rush

_Almost a month. Almost. Go me._

The Italians, The Spacemen, Girl Power, The Three Brave Swordsmen, and Old School split up again. The Spacemen and Girl Power took their spacecraft; while the remaining grounded teams drove in their stolen cars. Their destination was the same. The taping of Monkeyshine. Where PIE awaited one of the teams.

"We are _not_ catching up to them," Roy said as they sped through the streets, miraculously missing every vehicle. Well, they hit a kid on a scooter, a woman on roller skates, and a little girl on a tricycle, but those aren't really vehicles. And the team didn't really see them.

"Well, of course. We have cars, they have jet-powered spacecraft…Cheaters," Marth, the driver, quipped.

"We should focus on getting there before The Italians and Old School," suggested Link.

He turned around and saw Old School's car crash into a grocery store.

"We should focus on getting there before The Italians do," suggested Link.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the grocery wreckage…  


* * *

"Mr. Game & Watch, I thought you said you could drive!" Popo whined. Each team member was still in the car because of his or her seat belt. Mr. Game & Watch tried to explain that he never said any such thing. Then he realized that they thought that because he "spoke", sighed, and banged his two-dimensional noggin on the steering wheel.

"You're a liar!" screamed Nana.

* * *

Meanwhile, in The Italians' car…  


* * *

"Damn! Why did _we _get stuck with the SUV?" Mario, the driver, complained, as The Three Brave Swordsmen sped away in their luxury car.

"Because you picked it," Luigi said, scowling.

"Oh, right," said Mario.

* * *

Meanwhile, in Samus' starship…  


* * *

"Stop shooting at us!" Peach yelled as Samus dodged the Arwings' laser blasts.

"No! That PIE is ours!" Fox yelled through the communicator.

"You shooting us is only slowing both of us down. Okay? Now quit it," said Samus.

"But I like pressing the button!" said Falcon.

"She's got a point. Everybody cease fire," Fox commanded.

The team stopped shooting.

"Now, Falcon, do you know how to-"

Falcon's Arwing boosted ahead.

"…Never mind." The team proceeded to boost towards their destination. They only flew ahead of Samus by about 40 feet.

"I knew I should've got some boosters from that Slim Cognito guy," Samus lamented.

"Who?" asked Zelda.

* * *

Meanwhile…  


* * *

Jigglypuff had just made it outside after the incredibly slow elevator ride. She stretched and took a breath, like she hadn't been outside in several days. She was about to signal for a taxi the best way she could when Samus' starship and three Arwings rushed by overhead. About 9 seconds after that, she saw a luxury car and an SUV speed by. Jigglypuff got the hint and jumped onto the mirror of a passing, speeding bus.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the grocery wreckage…  


* * *

"So now what do we do?" wondered Nana.

Mr. Game & Watch pulled out a cell phone, flat and monochrome like him. He dialed some numbers and started beeping into the phone as if he was having a conversation. He hung the phone up 10 seconds into the call.

"…What'd you do?" asked Popo.

Mr. Game & Watch waved at the Ice Climbers, ran into the street, and grabbed a passing, speeding, flat, monochrome fire truck by the ladder. He sped away.

"Oh, that's not right!" whined Nana.

"Beep beep buzz beep! (Sorry for the short notice!)" Mr. Game & Watch yelled to his fellow driver.

"Beep buzz! Beep buzz buzz! (No problem! Just hang on!)" the driver yelled back. The fire truck was faster than both the SUV (duh) and the luxury car, and it drove exactly in the middle of the street, so no one could hit him.

"Oh, that's not right!" whined Mario and Marth.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the studio's front doors…  


* * *

The Brat Pack, Bowser, and DK just made it in a taxi. Ness paid the driver, and the taxi quickly drove away.

"Anyone know why we let them come with us?" asked Young Link in confusion.

"Bowser threatened to do…something…I forgot," said Ness.

"Yeah, me too," said Bowser.

A laser exploded several inches away from them. The ships were coming. The five ran inside the studio. The Spacemen ejected from their ships when they were above the building.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Monkeyshine taping…  


* * *

The Cute Ones (thought they were out for good, huh?), the three Monkeyshine contestants, were about to begin their second challenge, the Monkey Re-Caging, when everybody heard a faint yell from above.

"Falcon…"

There was a brand-new hole in the ceiling after that.

"PUNCH!"

Yeah, he punched through the ceiling. Several pieces of metal landed on several audience members, (probably) killing them. Fox and Falco landed on their feet, while Falcon landed on his stomach.

"All right! Where's the PIE?" Fox yelled. Many audience members screamed and began running away. Then Samus' starship crashed right through the wall of the studio, and the audience screamed louder and ran away faster. The ship skidded to a stop.

"Dammit Peach! What the hell is wrong with you?" yelled Samus.

"Not now! PIE awaits!" Zelda said. Each member of Girl Power individually came out the ship.

"Hey, what the (beep) are you people doing?" the host yelled.

"The Cute Ones? I thought you guys were in the hospital," said Samus.

"Of course we were," said Yoshi.

There was silence for a while, save for the monkeys' screeching and leaving the studio with the host.

"…Anyway…Falcon, go!" Falco said quickly. Falcon, being the fastest runner there, ran over to PIE and picked it up. It was heavier than it looked. Then Kirby sucked it up and held it in his mouth. He tried to run away, but tripped and spit the pastry out. Samus grabbed it with her grappling beam and was about to get into her ship, when a monochrome fire truck slipped through a space between the ship and the wall. Mr. Game & Watch jumped off the truck, thanked the driver, and stared at everybody else.

After that, The Three Brave Swordsmen and The Italians crashed through the previous hole the ship created.

"Doesn't anyone use the door?" said Peach with a groan.

The Brat Pack, DK, and a monkey covered Bowser ran through the door.

"Somebody get these things off!" roared Bowser.

"Why?" said Dr. Mario, getting out of the car.

Just then, a bus crashed through the ceiling and landed on its front.

"Okay, that just makes no sense at all," said Pikachu.

Jigglypuff climbed out the door, ignoring the groaning riders. "Crap, I'm late."

"Couldn't you tell from the first hole?" said Fox.

PIE lay in the middle of a circle the Smashers created (Bowser was still getting the monkeys off of him). Samus should've just thrown that thing in the ship, but The Three Brave Swordsmen ruined that chance with their crash. Now, no one dared make a move. It all came down to this. Jigglypuff even forgot about the portable record player. PIE was what it was all about.

Suddenly, everyone charged toward it all at once. Right when they were about to grasp it, all at once…

It disappeared. They all crashed into each other.

"Ow…What the hell?" Fox looked up. PIE was rising through the hole in the ceiling…and right into Mewtwo's grasp.

"Should've seen this coming," said Link.

"Dammit!" everyone yelled at the same time. "Stupid monkeys!" added Bowser.

* * *

Several minutes later…  


* * *

Mewtwo chuckled in his superb mind (causing him to chuckle out loud) as he flew back to the mansion to claim his prize. Had Master Hand had a brain, he'd know what he'd be receiving, but instead, he had to retrieve the pastry first to find out.

"_Fools_," he said to himself.

He could see Ganondorf rushing towards him, with some type of staff. It didn't take him long to realize that this wasn't Ganondorf at all. It was Phantom Ganon. The phantom attempted to stab Mewtwo with the staff, but was repelled by a blue barrier. Phantom Ganon flew back and separated into 20 other phantoms, circling the psychic feline. Each phantom raised their staff. Each staff emanated yellow.

Mewtwo flew upwards. The phantoms fired sparkling, yellow, electric balls of energy towards him. They joined together, creating a huge, sparkling, yellow, electric ball of doom. Mewtwo caught it with his mind, with some effort, and launched it back at the phantoms. They chuckled before they evaporated from the hit. Then Mewtwo noticed that he had lost grip of PIE.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the grocery wreckage…  


* * *

"Why are we still here?" asked Nana, ignoring the store owner's angry screaming.

PIE crashed through the roof and landed on Popo's head.

"OW! Son of a- hey!"

"PIE!" they said in unison. Popo, ignoring his slight concussion, miraculously ignited the sports car, backed up, and sped towards the mansion.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the sky…  


* * *

Mewtwo teleported somewhere.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the studio…no, wait, the studio's empty now. Back on the road!  


* * *

All the teams decided to flip over the bus and drive it back to the mansion. It was a bit slow, but at least all the cars on the "wrong" side of the street knew to get the hell out of the way.

"Seriously, we should've known Mewtwo was gonna do that," said Luigi.

_The next chapter will be…the end. Which team will get the prize? Will anyone survive through this whole story? And whatever became of those monkeys? Is the portable record player forever forgotten? Does it really matter? We'll see on the last chapter._


	9. Resolutions

_All right. Time for another completion. Time to tie everything together the best way I can…Okay, not the _best_ way, but…_

On the last episode…chapter…yeah, chapter, the race for PIE's attainment went like so. Old School crashed into a grocery store. The Italians and The Three Brave Swordsmen chased after The Spacemen and Girl Power in their spacecraft. Jigglypuff hijacked a bus. Mr. Game & Watch hitched a ride on a fire truck. The Brat Pack, Bowser, and DK reached the Monkeyshine taping first, where The Cute Ones were the contestants. Many crashes ensued after that. After everybody arrived, Mewtwo swiped the pastry at the last second. On his flight back, several Phantom Ganons encountered him. The electric blast they created forced PIE out of Mewtwo's grip and into the Ice Climber's car. Totally happy, they began racing back to wherever the hell Master Hand was. The hijacked bus served as every Smasher's last rushing vehicle.

In short, the chase was on. The reason I didn't say this from the get-go isn't important. Anyway…

"Popo, drive faster!" Nana screamed. "This sports car _should_ be faster than a bus you know!"

The bus was right behind them.

"Dammit, I know that! My feet don't press the pedal too hard due to my shortness!"

"Stop yelling!"

"I'm not yelling!"

"Yes you are!"

"No I'm not!"

The two screamed while Popo dodged a missile blast from Samus. Technically, the homing missile homed in on an unfortunate ambulance, but the point is, it missed.

"There's too many cars in the street! Fire a regular missile!" said Peach.

"For the 8th time, I'm _out_ of regular missiles _and _super missiles," said a frustrated Samus.

Bowser stepped on a monkey. "Just stop trying and let someone else get a turn!"

The two vehicles made it to the long dirt road leading to the mansion. Mewtwo was now flying right above the sports car.

"Okay…we're screwed over, aren't we?" said Fox.

Mewtwo created a large, blue bubble that engulfed the sports car and carried it (and himself) into the sky.

"Yeah, I think we are," said Falcon.

"Oh, no he's not," said Ness, climbing through the bus's emergency exit to the roof. He watched the bubble rise higher and higher. He watched it as intensely as he could. He extended his hand towards it and shut his eyes tight.

He focused.

He focused.

He focused some more.

Mewtwo found his concentration dwindling. He knew his bubble was getting weaker, but couldn't will it back to its proper strength. It had to be Ness. He'd punish him later. Now, the car plummeted back to the ground, with PIE still inside.

Bowser chuckled.

The Ice Climbers fell through an open window, almost getting run over by the bus.

The sports car fell on its hood and began rolling, rolling, rolling at high speed. It almost crashed into the bus, but the Smashers swerved out of the way just in time. Ness fell through the emergency exit and onto Yoshi's back.

"See? We should've _known_ Mewtwo was gonna do-" Link's comment was cut short by the bus landing on its side. Every window shattered. Then there was silence.

Just silence. Minus Nana's distant crying.

"Damn…" muttered Roy.

"Think PIE's still safe?" asked Luigi.

"Shouldn't you have asked if everybody was okay? I mean, _that_ seemed rather unimportant given what just happened," said Pikachu.

Then there was silence.

"Somebody go check on it," said Marth.

Pikachu groaned.

"I'll do it." Falcon sprang up and jumped through a window. He quickly observed the distant wreckage.

Mewtwo was trying to lift the car's remains and get PIE. Falcon ran over as fast as he could. A slight breeze passed him, something of a blue blur…

As it passed, the car was completely destroyed. As the parts fell back to the ground, an anthropomorphized blue hedgehog stood where the car once laid, holding PIE.

"Sorry I'm late! I heard Eggman wanted this to increase production fourfold…or something."

"We took care of him already," said Falcon.

"Really? Oh. Okay…Hm. Well. That…kinda sucks. Oh well. Here." With some effort, he tossed the PIE at Falcon, who, with some effort, caught it.

"See ya!" Sonic sped away.

"Don't even try taking this away," Falcon commanded Mewtwo.

"_This is ludicrous. Whatever Master Hand has to give you fools…I do not trust it. It was not worth all of this trouble._"

"Yeah, great. Go somewhere. Fox! Falco! Let's go! Move it!" he yelled as Mewtwo teleported back to the mansion.

In the bus…

"Crap. Forgot we weren't on one team," said Marth.

Fox and Falco jumped out of the bus and ran towards Falcon, who was already running the half-mile to the mansion.

Bowser punched the bus so hard he cracked it in half. "What the (beep) are we doing SITTING HERE?"

"We lost, dude. Get over it. None of us are fast enough to actually catch them," said Yoshi.

"Well, Fox and Falcon, anyway," added Kirby.

"Well…let's go see what they won," said Dr. Mario.  


* * *

10 mins later…  


* * *

Everybody made it back to the mansion safely. Except the Ice Climbers; they were totally forgotten.

Now, The Spacemen faced a little dilemma. Master Hand was nowhere to be found. At all.

"…Okay…" said Falcon.

Yoshi ate PIE, turned it into an egg, grabbed the egg, and rolled away in an egg.

"…" Falcon pounded the floor. Kirby and Pikachu cheered.

"Let's wait it out…" suggested Zelda.  


* * *

3 days later, Dining Room, 9:23 a.m.  


* * *

"Anyone know where Yoshi is?" asked Mario.

The breakfast-eating group (which didn't have Mewtwo and, obviously, Yoshi) looked around, forgetting that Yoshi had been hiding all this time.

"I can't believe you forgot about us!" whined Popo.

"Really?" Bowser sipped his orange juice. "You learn something new everyday."

"I REMEMBER! I was looking for a portable record player!" Jigglypuff suddenly shouted.

Then there was silence. Yoshi walked in the room while Jigglypuff puffed out.

"Where were you all this time?" asked Kirby.

"Supply closet. I got hungry, and…we're totally out of brooms, mops, a vacuum cleaner, and that hole in the wall needs to be fixed."

A brown Yoshi walked in the room.

"Who's that?" asked Peach.

"Um…" Yoshi scratched the back of his head.

"No…you didn't…" everybody said.

"Yeah. Forgot to break the egg, and by the time I remembered…this guy hatched. Sorr-"

A brick knocked out Yoshi. Everyone groaned in frustration.

"That was the biggest waste of time I've ever endured ever in my life. Ever," said Ness.

"Not for me. I'm well respected on, like, 10 forums already," DK said, eating a banana.

"And I gots the grillz," Ganondorf said, flashing his bling-bling.

"Ow, my retina…s," said Young Link, covering his eyes.

Master Hand and Crazy Hand busted through the ceiling, ruining everyone's breakfast plates with roofing.

"Everybody, listen up!" Master Hand boomed.

"Like we have a choice," said Bowser.

"3 days are over. Who got my PIE?"

Everyone looked at the brown Yoshi. Who smiled and waved. Then, shortly after that, got stabbed by Crazy.

No one really cared, but the filling oozing out intrigued even Master Hand.

"I get it…" He slapped Crazy. "Get him a Band-Aid! Don't you see what this means?"

"Pi…(No…)"

Crazy Hand got a giant Band-Aid out of nowhere and wrapped it around the brown Yoshi.

"This…PIE-Shi…I need a better name. This thing…is basically a living, breathing PIE. And a Yoshi based one, at that. Knowing that Yoshi reproduces more than super horny bunnies, I can create a whole legion of these…PIE-Shies…and then…well…"

Then there was silence. Pikachu raised his hand.

"Excuse me. Yoshi was on our team. What's our prize?"

"Oh, right, that…prize, prize, prize- how about this? You three get…6 PIE-Shies, a month's vacation with pay, and…I'll leave it at that."

"Nice," said Kirby, who was promptly hit with a brick.

"Where do you keep getting those?" Peach asked Ganondorf.

"Wait! Don't I have a say in my ultimate fate?" the PIE-Shi asked.

Then there was silence.

"Let's go, Crazy," Master Hand said, grabbing the PIE-Shi and flying away with his brother.

"I'm leaving," Pikachu said, walking away to wait for his teammates to wake up from their unconsciousness.

"Yeah. Total waste of time…" said Roy, sipping tea.

"…Grillz," Ganondorf said quickly.

"Did anyone see my wallet?" asked Falcon.  


* * *

Later, at a suspiciously white building…  


* * *

"I think it's here."

Jigglypuff approached the huge, pine doors.

"My portable record player awaits me here…"

She tried to open the doors, but they were too heavy, so she knocked.

"Wonder if anyone's home?"

A man in a suit answered the door.

"Hi. Do you guys have a portable record player I can buy?"

"Orange Emu, this is Blue Hippo, we got ourselves a C-92A at the front, report here immediately, shoot to kill, don't give a crap, over."

"…What?"

Dozens of men in suits surrounded the puffball, armed with rifles. Jigglypuff whimpered.

"Who told you about the project?"

"Nobody! I just wanted one!"

"Don't make us shoot you. You are kinda cute."

"Yeah, I know. Can I get one please?"

"Willing to be killed after you get it?"

"…Well…"

A helicopter flew overhead, shooting down each and every suit with a machine gun. Jigglypuff instantly recognized the pilot.

"White tux guy!"

"Jacobs!" he said over a megaphone.

"Oh!"

"Hurry! Go! Go!"

Jigglypuff ran inside the white building, searching frantically for any sign of a portable record player. 5 minutes passed. Jigglypuff ran into the basement…

And there it was. As large as a record, mostly plastic mixed with some metal. Not exactly digital, but easy to operate. And…a headphone jack! Jigglypuff had found heaven. And the thick plastic casing surrounding it meant nothing since someone left the key in the lock.

She took it (it was so light, too!) and ran outside, where Jacobs still hovered in the chopper. He let her in, and they flew toward the mansion together.

"Somebody should clean all that blood up," said Jigglypuff.

"Don't worry about it. Good work, uh…"

"Jigglypuff."

"Yeah. Good work. You saved a lot of lives today."

"So what? It's finally mine…" Jigglypuff giggled giddily. Jacobs sighed.

"All's well that ends well. Wonder what exactly that means…?"  


* * *

Jigglypuff walked through the front door of the mansion, waved at Jacobs, and walked inside. As she approached the area where the original player exploded, she stopped, with a look of horror on her face.

"I don't have any records…"

A brick knocked her out. Bowser and Ganondorf laughed in the distance.

_That's it. The PIE Chronicles is over. Hope you enjoyed this little pointless venture._

_Damn, this is over 2,000 words long…_


End file.
